Wiggin Out
by Comedy Tragedy and Fluff Inc
Summary: Kaiba has doubts about his chance with Joey due to the fact that he doesn't have real hair - but a wig. Mwahahaha! But maybe the situtation isn't as hopeless as Kaiba originally thought...
1. Mental Health Day

Wiggin Out

By means of 'Comedy'

Chapter 1: Mental Health Day

Mokuba sighed as he watched his older brother get his nails done. Not only was this humiliating, but it was just wrong... on many levels. And by wrong, he meant disturbing. Older _brothers_ weren't supposed to sit and chat while some lady does his nails. 

Perhaps one of the most disturbing things of all was that Mokuba had suggested it. 

_Seto, I think you need to take a mental health day_, he had said - and at the time, it really had seemed like a good idea. Mokuba's older brother had looked horrible from days full of obsessive-dueling experiences and sleepless nights - whether these nights were spent thinking about a certain 'J.W.' was not really significant.

However, as much as Mokuba was concerned for his brother, taking a 'mental health day' only made it (it being his current condition) worse. Seto seemed to be a much more reduced form of his usual self when he sat crosslegged and asked for 'planetary purple' colored nails. 

"Big brother..."

Seto casually looked over. "Hmmm? Mokuba?"

Mokuba looked at the floor. Eye contact at a moment like this was just a bit too much for the adolecent. "When will you be done?"

"I don't know... What do you think, Jan?"

The woman doing his nails looked up in what was supposed to be a face deep in thought. For a second it looked very painful. "Let's see, luv... I should be done in thirty minutes or less... Hey! Why don't you get your eyebrows waxed while you're waiting, Moh-kew-baw!"

Seto nodded. "You should, Mokuba."

"Heh-heh..." The young-Kaiba sweat-dropped. "N-no thanks... I'll pass this time..."

***

Kaiba Seto laughed to himself as he watched his younger brother swiftly leave. He just didn't understand the high life. After all, a young genius CEO such as himself needed to keep his appearance all hoity-toity to the public.

Ah yes, Seto sighed. The public. Even now, as he sat in his chair getting his nails done on his day off, all he could think of was the public. What the public thought of him, what the public thought of his company, what the public would buy, what he should do to make the public buy more, who the public thought was the strongest at Duel Monsters... who the public _knew _was the strongest... Ah yes. The public. 

And a certain 'Joey Wheeler'. That boy had been popping up in his mind a lot more lately, and Kaiba wasn't sure about what he should think about it. Or do about it. After all, every time the boy had 'popped' into his head, it had always created an... unusual reaction in Kaiba. His first thought was almost always 'insignificant puppy'. But... almost immediately afterwards, the thought 'cute insignificant puppy' always made its way into his cerebrum. Seto was also well aware that the 'naked Joey' pictures he had tried to digitally make on his computer tended to speak louder than all other evidence that he had very sexual feelings for Joey. It was, however, practically unthinkable that he should actually confront the boy about his feelings. After all, earlier confrontations with him included various dissings about being weak and useless and a puppy.

Seto giggled. Cute insignificant puppy. Heh-heh. So kawai. Joey... puppy, collar, doghouse, petting, grooming...

The CEO sneezed. Damn, these nail polish fumes. Oh well. It was a necessary evil if he wanted to look *pretty*. 

Sighing, Seto looked around the room. Jan was sitting across from him, concentration on his nails. To his right was an older woman getting her nails done... to his left, another male. The walls were typical, Seto thought. They were crowded with posters advertising fake nails and nail polishes. The ceiling wasn't anything special either; the lights were softly humming and there was staining in the corners from leaking water. _Feh, _Kaiba thought, a snarl finding its way onto his already serious features. _How proletariat._

Getting annoyed by his atmosphere, Seto took a large, large intake of breath in an attempt to calm his anger. This had two effects: 1.) It prevented Kaiba was getting angrier and 2.) the suddent and large intake of the fumes from the nail polish made Kaiba pass out.

***

Kaiba blinked. 

He was standing on some sort of strange platform in the middle of some black hole; he was surrounded by a consuming blackness that threatened to swallow him hole if he dared step off his little platform. 

"Hello...?" Seto yelled into the darkness. After all, a young genius such as Kaiba didn't know fear - only temporarily being alarmed.

After a few seconds of Kaiba's voice echoing (the sound waves were bouncing off the essence of walls), a large blob of light appeared before Kaiba.

The young CEO narrowed his eyes. "Sk..."

The blob seemed to be trying to form a certain shape - of what, Kaiba wasn't sure. And the color... it was so funky! Seto wasn't sure he ahd ever seen that color before in his life. 

It then spoke: _"Kaiba Seto..."_

"Present..."

The blob turned over a bit, revealing another side of it's blobiness and large, yellow eye in the center. _"Kaiba..."_

"What are you?"

The eye blinked. _"I'm a pigment of your imagination..."_

"A... _pigment?_"

_"Yesss... Have you ever seen this color before?"_

"Er... not really..."

"_Hence being a pigment of your imagination..."_

"Oh."

_"Kaiba..."_

Seto blinked. "What do you want?"

The eye blinked again. _"The question is, what do you want?"_

"Um... let's see... To be the strongest at Duel Monsters, to defeat Yugi... world domination..."

_"And about Joey Wheeler?"_

Kaiba blinked and looked down. "What about him? He's an insignificant puppy."

_"Yes... a _cute _insignificant puppy..."_

Kaiba looked up, surprised. "How... how did you..."

The blob sighed. _"Never lie to your subconscious consciously. It just doesn't work."_

"I see..."

_"Back to Joey... I know you want him... What's stopping you?"_

"You shouldn't have to ask that. You are, after all, my subconscious."

_"Ah yes... So it is about... that then?"_

Kaiba looked at the ground. "Yes. That and a few other things. It would disgust him."

_"Maybe... maybe not..."_

"What do you mean?"

The blob sighed. _"I have to go now, Kaiba, and so do you... Farewell..."_

"Wait!"

_"Goodbye..."_

"WAAAIIIIT...!" (Japanese: "MATE!!")

***

Kaiba slowly opened his eyes and looked about him. 

Jan, the lady who had been doing his nails, looked down at him. Yes, down. _Damn, _Seto thought. _He was on the floor. _

"Kaiba-san? Are you awake?" Jan was tapping his nose. 

_WHAT THE HELL! No one taps _my _nose! _ "Yes, yes, get your hands off me!"

Quickly standing up and brushing the dust off himself, Kaiba sighed and looked at Jan. "I'm going now."

"But... but, sweety... I haven't done your fifth coat yet!"

Kaiba looked at his fingernails. As much as he wanted that fifth coat, he figured that four would have to be enough for now. Kaiba shrugged. "Regrettably, I don't care."

And with that, he left. 

***

It was late at night, and after about six hours on his computer, Kaiba was ready to go to bed. 

Walking into his room, Kaiba kicked off his shoes and sat on his bed. Damn, what a wierd day. So much for Mokuba's idea that taking time off would calm him down. (He was quite pleased about his nails, though.)

Sighing, Kaiba's grabbed a handfull of his hair and pulled, removing his wig. (what? You thought his hair was real?) 

Kaiba looked at it sadly as he placed it on his wig-holder. This was the reason that Kaiba had always seemed so cruel - he didn't want anyone to get to know him well enough to find out that he had no real hair - on his head or anywhere. It was a birth defect both he and his brother had (aye, Mokuba has fake hair too.). 

And yes, this was one of the reasons that his 'pigment of his imagination' was talking about. 'It would disgust him', Kaiba had said. _'Maybe, maybe not.' _It had said in return. 

Kaiba sighed. He knew he shouldn't listen to hallucinations... but he was afraid he would go insane if he didn't get what he wanted: Joey. 

"Oh well," Kaiba said outloud. "It's not as if I can't forget him."

And with that, Kaiba Seto went to sleep... and sleep filled with dreams (some naughty, some not) of Joey Wheeler.

Note: Tehe. 

Note to self: 2:d 3:chr 4: op:st


	2. Sex Lab

Wiggin Out

By 'Comedy'

Chapter II: Sex Lab

Unfortunately, Seto's nail color had rubbed off by the time he went to school the next week. But there were a few other lasting things that Seto kept from his day off. More specifically, there were some lasting thoughts that the young CEO just couldn't seen to get rid off. 

They were all about Joey Wheeler and himself. 

There was a particular scene he couldn't get out of his head that included Joey cuddling Seto and petting his head saying 'Who's the puppy now?'. Of course, this statement angered Kaiba and he and Joey began to wrestle around of the floor, getting into some interesting positions along the way. Eventually, Seto would end up getting Joey pinned to the ground, and just when he was lowering himself down to steal a kiss... his wig would fall off. Even though it was only his imagination, Seto still couldn't get Joey's look or horror and revulsion out of his head as he realized that Seto was naturally bald. 

Seto shivered and placed a finger on his head to make sure 'it' was secure (Get your minds out of the gutter. 'It' refers to his wig!). It always was [secure, that is]. Sighing, Kaiba lowered his hand and took out his notebook. This was, after all, the class of Biology - not that someone such as _he _actually needed to learn these things. Ha! 

"Take your seats, everyone!" The teacher said as the bell rang.

Kaiba's heart jumped a bit as Joey walked in the room with Yugi, Bakura and... and... Damn, what was his name...Pointy-hair-guy... and sat down in their assigned seats - Joey sat precisely behind Seto, a blessing and a curse.

"Ok," The teacher continued after everyone was settled down. "Today, we're going to do a lab - a Sex Lab."

There were a few murmurs and hoots from various members of the class, along with a few blushes (Seto desperately wanted to turn around and see Joey's reaction... but that would be a bit conspicuous). After the initial reaction died down a bit, the teacher continued:

"I will give you your partner of the opposite gender. From there, you will each write down your characteristic on slips of paper. These will be your 'characteristics'. Mix them and throw them up in the air and whatever ones will land face up (*sings* face down */sings*) will be the characteristics of your child."

Seto sighed. Such a stupid lab. Not only was the probability that too many or too little characteristics would land face up, but there wasn't a chance that he could get paired up with Joey. 

As chances were, there were more males in the class than females, so Kaiba ended up being paired with... Bakura. 

_Damn, _Seto thought. _Though he's probably girly enough to pass as a female, if I could be with a guy, WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN JOEY?!_

"Kaiba-kun..." Bakura started, noticing Seto's menacing expression, "Shall we being writing down characteristics?"

"Feh," Seto grunted and began to write. 

_Let's see... _Seto began to write down various characteristics of himself as Bakura did the same. And finally...

"Are you ready, Seto?"

"Mm,"

Kaiba let Bakura mix the 'chromosomes' up and throw them up in the air. 

"Let's see the results, Kaiba-kun..." Bakura mumbled as he read off the chracteristics that were facing up. "Seto, our child has white-to-silver hair, webbed toes, separated ear lobes... brown eyes, an abnormally small nose, knobby knees, great... looming capabilities (Bakura glanced at Seto), unusual pelvis-thrust standing style (another glance at Seto), and has a strange obsession with power (another glance at Seto). That's all..."

Both the boys began to fill in their 'child's' characteristic chart and soon noticed that - 

"Hey, it doesn't have a gender..." Bakura sighed. Yes, sighed. "It must have landed face down."

_Stupid lab. _Seto thought. _I knew this was going to happen._

Bakura looked at Kaiba sheepishly as he began to flip over the characteristics to find the missing 'x's' and 'y's'. "Kaiba-kuuun... They're not here... But I remember cutting them up... What should we do! We can't just have a genderless child! This of the locker-room jokes! Ah! Forget about that! It won't have a locker-room! It'll have to change in the halls! AHH...!"

_Stupid Bakura. _Seto grunted. _We can't HAVE a child in the first place. _

Finally Kaiba got fed up and without thinking, turned around - to Joey.

"Oi, can I borrow your sex determining chromosomes?"

"Huh?"

Seto's eyes widened. It took him a while a realize that he had just asked Joey - yes, Joey - for chromosomes. And not _any _kind of chromosomes, nooo! He asked if he could borrow 'sex determining chromosomes'. 

So there they were. Seto staring wide-eyed and on the verge of blushing, asking his crush fro sex chromosomes, while Joey stared blankly back, somewhat taken aback at words that had no negative meaning spoken to him by non other than Kaiba Seto - his eternal rival. 

Luckily, Bakura resolved it. 

"Oh, right. Joey, can we borrow your x and y's? We lost ours."

"Oh," Joey understood now, still painfully aware of the fact that Seto was still staring wide-eyed at him. "Right. Here you go..."

"Yay! Seto! Our child will now have a gender!" 

Bakura threw the chromosomes up and they landed 'yy'. 

"Uh... I suppose it makes sense... I mean, we're both guys, and if you do a Punett Square with two 'xy's', then you eventually get a 'yy'..."

Seto blinked and wrote down 'yy - it' on his paper. 

_Stupid Lab._

***

Bakura walked home by himself. He would usually stay after and play some Duel Monsters with Yugi and the others... but just didn't feel like it today. 

_Kaiba-kun... _Bakura thought. _He was so cold today. He really didn't have to be that cold. I was just... just trying to make you laugh... It's not like I actually think it's physically possible to have a child with you... _Bakura stopped as he waited for a red light so he could cross the street. 

_... Though I wouldn't mind if we actually could..._


	3. Project: Stalk

Wiggin Out

By means of 'Comedy'

Chapter III: Project: Stalk

Kaiba watched carefully from his remote desk in the corner as Joey chatted casually with Yugi and the others. It was almost shameful to the young CEO to be so obsessed about something he could do so little about. He felt so... so... powerless.

Seto cringed. Powerless. Ack. If there was one thing Kaiba did _not _want to be was 'powerless'. He also didn't want to blush, which was getting very hard not to do, now a days. In fact, all he had to do was _look _at Joey to get a wave of fantasies.

It was most aggravating, his relationship with Joey, or lack thereof. Not to mention the fact that Kaiba knew virtually nothing about the blond. Sure, he knew he was cute, blond and liked to play duel monsters... But that much was obvious. 

What Kaiba needed was to get to know Joey so intimately, that he would probably get disgusted and forget about the blond. Yes. That's best. _If I get to know him better, I'll probably get turned off. _Seto nodded to himself. _Then a CEO such as myself won't have these petty worries of embarrassing himself. _

Across the room, sitting in his own seat, not quit minding his own business, Bakura innocently stared at Kaiba's face. 

_He's deep in thought. _Bakura concluded. _But what about? What could be making such a brilliant person think like that? Certainly nothing trivial... _

Bakura followed Kaiba's eyes to where he was looking at. _Eh? Nani? Jounouchi-kun? Why...? _Bakura blinked a few times. But why Joey? Bakura knew that, although Joey thought Kaiba was his true rival at duel monsters, Kaiba thought Joey was just another bug to be crushed. _Then why am I jealous? _

**_Because he's not looking at you. _**

Ryou nearly jumped. _Bakura! The _other _one!_

**You're thinking about Kaiba again, aren't you?**

Ano... 

**Traitor. I thought you loved only me! Think of our relationship!**

What relationship?

**Ouch. That hurt. You know... The one where I think up delicious images of us in interesting positions and you do the touching... you know... **

Ah! Shut up! That happened once!

**Ryou...**

Ok... twice... But still! I regret it! 

**... But don't think that you can run away from me! I'm with you always! I know what you're thinking... I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!**

Leave me alone!

**Eh... I can't. Traitor of my soul!**

... At least let me swoon about Kaiba in silence. Without any interruptions. 

**Baka... **Bakura thought of a mischievous situation that involved a tied up Kaiba and a rather... dominant looking Ryou.

Ryou blushed. _Stop teasing me..._

**Keh! For now, at least. **

Ryou waited a few moments before relaxing somewhat. Back to Kaiba.

He was still sitting without any sign of life, staring absently at Joey. Once again the jealously came back. Bakura blushed and sighed. _Kaiba... My Kaiba... Will you ever look at me without detest? Will you ever like me at all? Even in the slightest? Will you... will you ever touch me...? Will you ever think of me kindly? With respect? With... love? Will you ever touch yourself and -_

**TRAITOR!**

"GYAH!" Bakura jumped up. "Stop it!"

Suddenly, all eyes were on Bakura. Yes, all. Even Kaiba's. 

Feeling himself blush, Bakura ran out of the room, about to cry. _How embarrassing! Did you see the look on Kaiba's face?! He thinks I'm such an idiot! _

**Yeh... He's right...**

IIe! Shut up!

Kaiba grunted as Bakura fled the scene. 

_Stupid Bakura. _

***

"Mokuba, I'm home..." Kaiba announced his arrival. Yet, there was no response. "Mokuba? Where are you? Mokuba?"

Getting slightly worried - which was one of the top fifty emotions Kaiba hated to endure - the young CEO walked quickly to his room to set his things down before he searched any further for his little brother. 

Upon entering his room, Kaiba got one of the biggest shock of his life... no... his day. 

"Brother! Look! I'm you! YAAAAH!" Mokuba yelled as he jumped on Kaiba's bed... wearing one of his wigs and his coat that automatically waves dramatically out behind you. "Look!"

Kaiba blinked. "Mokuba! Take those off right now! Who said you could come in here?! What... what are you doing? MOKUBA!"

Sensing his older brother's anger, Mokuba jumped off the bed, throwing the wig on the floor simultaneously. He quickly shrugged off the jacket soon after, running out of the room as to avoid any further reprimanding. 

Swearing softly to himself, Kaiba picked up the wig and jacket from the floor and tossed them on his bed, too lazy to properly put them back. After all, he had more important things to think about. 

_Joey..._

Flopping down on his bed, Kaiba sighed and looked at the ceiling. _Joey... Damn! Why can't I think about anything else! This is so irritating! I am Kaiba Seto! I... I have better things to do with my time!_

Seto sighed and closed his eyes. What a weird day. Cute Joey... Stupid Bakura... Annoying Mokuba... Damn wig... _Nuum... Nums... Sleeeeeeeep..._

***

Kaiba felt a small trickling of water down the side of his face. Annoyed by this, he opened his eyes - and found that he was not in his room (which initially really freaked him out, but then he remembered that he was KAIBA SETO and calmed down a bit). But... as much as the room he was currently in was definitely _not _his, it did look somewhat familiar... But where...?

_"Hello, Seto!"_

"Gyah!" Kaiba gasped and turned around to the familiar voice behind him. "It's you! Pigment of my imagination! But...!"

The blob of imaginary colors did something that was the blob equivalent to a smile. _"Good, you remembered..."_

Seto shrugged. "What do you want?"

__

"The question is, what do you_ want." _

"You know what I want, so stop asking."

_"Joey...?"_

"Yeh. But both you and I know that's never going to happen. Leave me alone."

_"This is about the wig thing, isn't it?"_

"Yes it's about the wig thing! That and everything else!"

_"Everything else?"_

"Yeah, you know. The whole male/male thing... and CEO thing... and being mean to him in the past thing... and my inability to show any emotion but menace, anger and annoyance. You know... _those _things."

_"Ah. You have a point."_

"So leave me alone!"

_"That's not what I'm here for! Your subconscious consciously made you conscious of me for a good reason!"_

"And what is that?"

_"To get you what you want the most. After all, you are... _we_ are... KAIBA SETO!"_

"...We are."

_"And Kaiba Seto _always _gets what he wants, right?"_

"...He does... more or less... (except for that whole defeating Yugi in Duel Monsters thing)"

_"And we want Joey, don't we?"_

"Yes... we do."

_"Then Joey will be ours. Joey will belong to Kaiba Seto."_

Kaiba smiled demonically. "Yes... He will..."

***

Bakura silently sat in the tree next to Kaiba's window. (Yes, you know there is _always _a tree) _This is so shameful... watching Kaiba-kun like this...!_

**What's so shameful about it?**

He... He doesn't know I'm here!

**What's the difference between this and watching him at school when he doesn't know about it?**

... But... 

**Hey, don't expect me to hold up the opposing point to your argument! You wanted _to come here. I just... uh... tagged along._**

Eh... But isn't he so cute when he sleeps?

**Geh. Traitor.**

Bakura shifted his position in the tree so that _one leaf _wasn't in his way anymore. He could now see Kaiba in plain sight. And what a glorious sight that was. Seto. On his bed. All alone. Well, almost all alone. There was this ball of fuzz on the other side of Kaiba, so it hindered Ryou's view, but it was the same color of his hair. _Eh... must be some kind of cat. Aww... Kaiba has a kitty! KAWAII! _

"Yes..." Kaiba mumbled in his sleep, shifting silently. "He will be... ours..."

Bakura sighed. _You will be mine..._

**Well... He will be ours. **

Ah! Bakura! What are you talking about? He'll be mine!

**You can't get rid of me. So he'll be ours... Traitor.**

Bakura sighed. Kaiba... he looked so cute and innocent when he slept. Probably gathered up a lot of stress during the day.

_And so, Day 1 of Ryou's _Project: Stalk _has begun. A large tree has been found useful outside of Kaiba-kun's room. A branch on the northwest side of the tree has perfect view of Seto's room. It is approximately 5:23 PM on a Thursday. Seto appears to be taking a nap; he sleeps on his bed with this normal clothes on. He mumbled 'Yes, he will be ours' in his sleep. He appears to have a small cat, the same color of his hair. End._

**That was beautiful. What am I supposed to do with it?**

Remind me to write it all down in my notebook later tonight.

**Geh. You know you can't live without me.**

...

***

It is Friday morning and all is right. Right? Of course I'm right. I'm Kaiba Seto, and today I'm going to begin my new project: **Covert Operation: Stalk Joey.** _With all my technological advances, this should be cake. _

Seto had spent the better part of last night getting all the equipment he needed, and the better part of the morning setting mini cameras/recording devices all around the school. _There will be nothing Joey does or say that I won't know about! Mwahaha!_

The young CEO was nearly drooling by the time Biology was about to start. Joey sat behind him, as always. And he was talking about Duel Monsters... as always. 

And the inevitable happened; Joey talked to Seto. (Heavenly voices: Aaaaah...)

"...That's right, Kaiba! Fear the worst! I'm going to beat you at Duel Monstas, once and for all!"

Kaiba blinked. _Do not act out of character. I repeat, do not act out of character. If you do, I shall have to kill you. _(Heavenly voices: AAAAAH...) "What's this? The puppy thinks he can beat me? How pathetic."

(Heavenly voices: "...gah...")

"That's right! Beat me if you can!" 

Kaiba smiled to himself. (smiling outwardly was strictly forbidden) "How sad. Don't talk to me."

"I'll talk to whoever I want!" Joey fumed.

_He's so cute when he's mad! _Seto narrowed his eyes. "Feh. Go away... puppy."

As Joey continued to fume about this, Bakura watched Seto intensely. 

_Joey's out of his league. He can't even beat Yugi... then again... Kaiba-kun can't either... Nor can I... Ok... so comparison to Yugi was a bad idea. But he's still out of his league. Boasting to Seto about your skill at Duel Monsters was a bad idea. A very bad idea. _

Seto's coat waved dramatically behind him as he exited the room, leaving Joey fuming and Bakura in awe. On his way out, (after making sure no one was around) Seto smiled and continued on placing cameras around the school.

_And so it begins._

Note: Geh. Sorry that took a while. It would have been longer too, if Trag hadn't threatened me. By the way, if you see a mistake in either my English or Japanese, tell me. (I make it an effort to make my writing more correct than my speaking_ - _and if you've ever heard me speak... Gyah...) Oh, and mistakes when Joey talks doesn't count. I know I can't be the only one that thinks that Joey saying "I'll talk to whomever I want!" just doesn't sound right. And the 'Duel Monstas' thing was intentional. If you've noticed, I have these unintentional blend of the American and Japanese Yu-Gi-Oh! Well ... toodles.

**__**

__

**__**


End file.
